Saying Good Night to My Little Ones

Tucking my youngest son Jayden into bed tonight, I just felt so strongly how much I am missing Eliana. I sat down on the floor next to his bed, and laid my head down next to him as we talked. He brought up Bob the builder, and some other fun topics on his mind, and nestled his cheek lovingly against mine. He stayed like that and began to breath deeper and settle into sleep. I was just overcome by how much I love him. I have hardly been able to look at my sons’ baby pictures without crying since we lost Eliana, but tonight memories of his babyhood just started flooding my mind. Holding, talking, nursing, rocking…you get the picture.

Suddenly it was as though his soft, chubby little cheek could have been Eliana’s cheek, and I could be laying my head beside her at two years old, reliving the same perfect memories I had spent with her. Tears started to come, but the angle that I was laying kept them from dripping onto Jayden and disturbing his rest. What I wouldn’t give to have even one memory of her, holding her in my arms while her sweet little spirit was alive within her body. I know in some ways, it would probably hurt even more, but in another way, it would hurt less. I haven’t dreamt of her yet, but maybe God will let me dream of her in my arms sometime soon.

I wonder if people who haven’t experienced this type of loss would be baffled to know how deeply we grieve for our babies, and how profoundly we are touched by their little lives. For me, the depth of feeling just shows again to me the reality that we are created by God, with a unique spirit, and a sacred quality to our lives because we are designed for Him, and designed for love.

When I carried Eliana, I could feel the weight of her soul within me. Some of you might have seen a little poem that says “your heart within my heart…your life within my life.” It is so true. To actually carry the spirit of a child within your own body, is a bond greater than any of us even realize until we lose one. Since her death, it seems I have felt the weight and significance that her life carries to an even greater degree. She has impacted me so greatly, that it would be impossible to ever carry on as the same person I was before I knew her. Some might say, “but you didn’t even know her at all.” In a sense, that’s true, but in another sense, we had that body/soul connection that can only come from the Creator God. I have to admit that as much as I knew I loved her before, and as much as I loved my sons in the womb, I really didn’t know the true depth of it until I experienced what it was like to lose her at that stage.

I am healing. At first it was difficult, but now I love to just laugh with my boys, and hug them tight. In the beginning, every little thing I did with them was a painful reminder of what I would miss with Eliana. Now, those thoughts come less and less often, and a lot of the time I can genuinely have some light-hearted fun with them. Then there are other times, like tonight, when I am just missing, missing, missing.

Her two older brothers sleep peacefully tonight, my treasures on earth. I know my treasure in heaven is probably not sleeping at all, but I can only guess at what glorious thing she might be doing at this very moment while I miss her.

Good Night, Eliana. Some bright morning, when this life is over, I will wake up with you.