Going Back

One of the hardest things for anyone who has experienced a traumatic event is to revisit the scene where the tragedy originally took place, and allow the experience to wash over them anew. Today, I went back to my OB/GYN office for my first appointment for Baby June not anticipating what an emotional event it would be for me. I have been back to this building several times, because our pediatrician also has his office there, and each time I enter the parking lot, I get a sick feeling in the pit of my stomach. Today I had to walk through the double doors, down the hallway, and enter into the office where I received the most heart-breaking news of my life.

Near me in the waiting room was one woman looking sick as she swallowed her drink for the glucose screen, the last thing I did before finding out about Eliana. While I sat there, another girl came in for her 6 week check-up with a new baby girl. As she was checking in, the baby began to cry and it just pierced my heart. I was there for nearly two hours, and spent the whole time holding back tears. Words, voices, images from that day in May, kept running through my head as I sat there trying to remind myself that I was there for Baby June. How do you simultaneously rejoice over one baby, when your heart is still aching for another? I have to wait for God to teach my heart how to do this. I love this baby already, but I am sad for Baby June, because I miss just being blissfully happy about pregnancy, instead of cautiously optimistic.

They did an early ultrasound, and I lay on the table just waiting to see the status of my Little One, and trying not to think of the last time I was in that room. I don’t ever want to hear “I’m sorry…” again while I am laying on that table.

Since I am 5 weeks, 1 day into the pregnancy, the tech explained it is very early to try to see anything. When typing out her report, I saw “probable gestational sac, no yolk sac, no fetal pole.” This was not reassuring to me at all. I asked her if this is normal at this stage, and her reply was:

“Yes, it’s very early to detect a pregnancy, and you may have ovulated later than you thought. They will do your blood work today to check your levels and make sure everything looks good.”

Again, not so reassuring when it’s my baby’s life in the balance! While no one seemed to be concerned but me, this put me on absolute emotional overload. After my blood work was done and we left, I was visibly shaken, and my husband decided to take the rest of the day off from work.

It’s not so much that we received bad news about Baby June. In fact, it appears there really isn’t anything to worry about at this point. I did get a call back from the practitioner this afternoon saying my levels are good, and they don’t need me to come back in until my next appointment. Now it’s just a matter of waiting 5 weeks, when I will be far enough along to hear the heartbeat and hopefully have a reassuring ultrasound.

I think it was just so hard being in that room again, going back to the scene of my greatest nightmare, and not being able to see anything that tells me Baby June is doing well. It just brought everything from that day back to me in such a fresh way, it was almost like experiencing it all over again. I still miss my daughter so much, and yet, for the sake of this new little one, I know I need to be strong, and stay positive, and send all the happy thoughts I can to let this baby know how loved he/she is, to help him/her to grow and thrive. At times I wish I could just hit fast forward to June, so I wouldn’t have to live in this uncertainty, but I know I really do need this time to continue to grieve, and to get to know Baby June before I’m ready to meet him/her. Until then I am relying on God to guide me through this journey of the heart; to give me the peace, strength, faith, hope, and love that is only found in Him, as I miss my beautiful baby girl, and anticipate her little brother or sister simultaneously. It’s a dance of love to which I am just beginning to learn the steps.

I pray that out of his glorious riches he may strengthen you with power through his Spirit in your inner being, so that Christ may dwell in your hearts through faith. And I pray that you, being rooted and established in love, may have power, together with all the saints, to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ, and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God. Ephesians 3:16-19

And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out his love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom he has given us. Romans 5:5