Sunday, March 28, 2010

Unchartered Territory

This week I have passed a big pregnancy milestone. I am 26 weeks going on 27, so Baby June has now eclipsed his big sister by a little over a week. Realizing that, I am just so thankful for each moment, but at the same time it is bittersweet, because each little kick and roll reminds me of the moments I will never have with Eliana. There is once again that paradox of being excited about the growing baby inside of me, while still longing for the one I am missing. Will my feelings associated with my son always be a dichotomy?

And why does the path ahead feel so much like unchartered territory? I've already delivered two healthy babies. I've heard that beautiful sound of the first newborn cry, and experienced the tears of happiness when my new squirmy baby is placed on my chest and our eyes meet in an instant bond of love. So why is it that it feels so foreign again? I close my eyes and try to picture that moment with this little boy, and it is still so difficult to do. I don't think it's an issue of doubt and fear. Lately, I feel very little fear about experiencing another death in the womb. God has given us so much peace about that, and although there is some uncertainty about his health after birth, I've come to feel a strong assurance in the goodness of God's overall plan for our son.

For me, I think it is just the undeniable fact that Eliana has changed me forever. The moments of her short life and her silent entry into this world have left their mark on my soul, and I will never view pregnancy and childbirth in the same way again. As much as I treasure in my heart the experience we had with her, it was traumatic nonetheless. The complete antithesis of what it "should" be, and in that part of my mind and heart that goes beyond all reason and understanding there is a wound so deep that it won't allow me to fully picture and embrace the thought of a healthy birth experience. There is just something beyond words that holds me back.

I do believe in my heart that we will have that healthy birth, I believe I will hear that amazing cry, and feel that warm wiggly goodness in my arms that means life. I love this little boy with all my heart, and long for the day I will get to tell him face to face. I know it will be incredible, and all it was before and more. But for now, it all feels like unchartered territory.

I'll leave you with pictures of a happy outcome

Newborn Caedmon in the hospital:

Newborn Jayden in the hospital:

Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.


  1. Jess, this is such a beautiful post. I can understand the feeling of 'uncharted territory' as well. You have so much peace throughout this post, and it just goes to show just how big our God really is when He can give us peace and hope in spite of our losses. I pray for your baby boy a lot and think of you often. I believe you will have those incredible moments and so much more. XO

  2. Being back in the hospital this week really made me miss Ella. I thought so much about the precious few hours I had with her on my chest. I want that back. I am so grateful to this time I have with Nora, but I wish Ella had a chance too. I believe your sweet baby will be here kicking and screaming in June, as well. xoxo

  3. Jessalyn, thank you for sharing your heart- the joys, struggles, pain, doubts, victories, and hope!!

    I believe God is using you to be a blessing to those around you and others going through difficult experiences like you and your family have already endured.

    May God's continued, everlasting love, comfort, peace, grace, and hope be yours both now and always.

  4. Jess, my prayers are with you.

  5. I totally get what you're going through. I've had a successful delivery with Kyndra but with losing Carleigh I have doubts at times on whether this baby will live. Nothing has shown me the outcome to be anything but good but it's hard not to think about once you've lost a child.