Each of our Christmas celebrations went very well. I continue to be so amazed and thankful at God's grace shown through the eyes of my two little boys. They are so full of excitement, delight, and ENERGY, that I can't help but feel their joy. Our family celebration at home the night before Christmas Eve was great. They were so excited about their new trains and train table it was hard to get them away from it to look in their stockings or open their other presents! My oldest son gave me a beautiful silver butterfly necklace with little diamonds on it. He said he picked it out himself, and "doesn't it make you think of Eliana, Mommy?" It was so sweet of him to be thinking of her at Christmas like I was. Of course, he didn't count the stones or think of their significance, but there are five-one for each of my babies, two in heaven, two with me every day, and one in the womb. It's perfect.
Christmas Eve we drove to my hometown to go to church and celebrate at my Grandma's house with all the relatives. Again at church, my children were such a distraction I didn't have a chance to get into an emotional frame of mind like I might have. They were good for about the first half, but after a while I was focusing more on keeping them quiet than thinking about how I was feeling. I had brought some little toys for my 2 year old to play with, and pretty soon his 4 year old cousin wanted to play with them, and then my five year old, so they were all fighting! Still, it was a beautiful service, and I was able to worship amidst the chaos while being thankful for God's gift of His son, and His gift of my son's, daughter, and baby June.
We visited with aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins that night and had our gift exchange. It was so fun to watch the little kids get up front to sing Christmas carols before opening presents!
Christmas morning we opened gifts with my Mom and sisters at Mom's house. She gave me a little ornament in memory of Eliana, and again it touched my heart that she was remembered. Overall, things went very well and we had such a good time with our children and niece and nephew.
Somehow, it was New Year's that was bothering me more than Christmas. Maybe because there was so much anticipation of Christmas, and I was more prepared to focus on the boys and the reasons to be joyful. New Year's just sort of crept up on me unnoticed. I felt a heavy weight on my soul with each passing thought of the new year. I think because, as difficult as 2009 was, it was Eliana's year. I found out I was pregnant in December of '08, but it was in '09 that I carried her for most of the pregnancy, and it is the only year I will ever hold her in my arms on this earth. To say good bye to 2009 feels like our separation is becoming greater and greater, and somewhere inside of me I'm afraid that she will be forgotten. I know, of course, that I will never forget, but by moving ahead in time I feel others will forget, and expect me to move on and "get on with my life." I guess a part of me felt like staying in 2009 kept me closer to her, and moving on was leaving her behind.
We celebrated New Year's Eve at my husband's parents', spent the night, and had Christmas with them on New Year's Day. As we sat in the living room waiting for midnight New Year's Eve, my sister-in-law pointed out the little snowman ornaments she had gotten her parents. Each one had the name of one of the grandchildren-6 little grandsons, two born this year who would have been Eliana's playmates. But there was no little snowman for Eliana. Soon the ball dropped and we kissed, and toasted the New Year. I sat on the couch while everyone talked and laughed trying so hard not to cry in front of everyone.
We went to bed and that night ended in tears. Tears that she wasn't there to roll around on the floor with her little cousin James, just her age. Tears that I had to start a new year without her. Tears that her name was missing among all her cousins, and I wished she had been remembered. I was just missing her so much that night, wishing I could go backward instead of moving ahead. Back to that elusive happiness before her life was cut short, that time when life seemed too good to be true, and somehow, it was...
But God is so good, because somehow on that first morning of 2010, I woke up with Hope. I woke up thinking of Baby June, and how this was his/her year,(hopefully the first of many!) and knowing that God was with me. I know He will continue to carry me through this year as He did the one before, and as He has all the years of my life. This Bible passage came into my mind that morning, and has continued to echo in my heart during the following days.
Lamentations 3:21-26
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
And so I quietly wait. I wait for Him to continue the healing of my heart, I wait for the safe arrival of my Baby June, Hope personified, and I ultimately wait for the day of salvation, when I will be in heaven with Jesus, and will be reunited with my daughter. Until then, I move forward with Hope, and I wait.
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