The Big Day

Dear Baby June,

Today is the big day we've been waiting for. The day we will get to take another peek at you, and this time, hopefully find out if you are a boy or a girl. I am so excited and nervous! I can't wait to see you wiggling around on the screen. Last time we saw you, you were a tiny little peanut at 8 weeks, and your little heart was blinking away so beautifully. You have grown and changed so much since then, and I can't wait to see you.

I feel you rolling around in there now, and it is so much fun! I'm so thankful to be able to feel your movements so much earlier than I did with your brothers and sister. It makes it seem so much more real. Of course you have been real from the start, but feeling your movements just makes it seem a little closer to the day I will hold you.

I have to admit, I have been a little scared to write about you, to dream about you, and to hope. The thought of losing you is so scary, and somehow the more attached I feel, the more real that possibility of loss seems, and of course the more painful the thought of loss becomes.

There was a time early on when I was just gripped with so much fear, it was almost paralyzing. I found it difficult to trust God with you life, and to place you in His hands. I just wanted to hold onto you with a grip so tight my knuckles would turn white, and even God couldn't loosen the hold I had on you. But the truth is, it just doesn't work that way. No matter how much I might like to think I'm in control, I have learned through many life lessons, that just isn't the case. You are His, you are His, you are His. And it is in that knowledge that I must rest. Knowing that as your creator He loves you so deeply, knows you so intimately, already. He has you in the palm of His hand with a great plan for your life already mapped out before you. Only He knows the hours, the days, or the years. Lord, please let it be years!! A lifetime full of them. Today, I am anxiously waiting to find out your gender, while He already knows your entire future. When I think of it in those terms, there is a freedom in relinquishing the control I never had to begin with, and surrendering it to Him.

I know I am certainly not guaranteed a free pass, but I am trusting in the promises that God is good, that He will work all things for good in my life, and that He loves me with an everlasting love. If that somehow meant another loss, I'm not sure I would know how to interpret that, but I do know I would still cling to those promises. Knowing His deep love for you and for me allows me to place you in His arms, trusting that He will give you right back to me. With your sister, it will not be until heaven, but with you, I hope and fervently pray He will give you to me in the here and now. I want so much to hear you cry, look in your eyes, feed you, hold you, tell you I love you, and watch you grow. I want to mother you and raise you all your life, and never have to see the end of your days.

Soon we will find out if God has chosen a son or a daughter for us. I can't wait to find out more about you, but all I know in this moment is, I love you today, so much little one. I love you for who you are and who you will become, and I can't wait to see your little life unfold.

Forever loving you,
Mommy

Jeremiah 31:3-4
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt...Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful."

Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."

Psalm 139:13-16
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."