Thursday, July 9, 2009

Held


It was two months ago yesterday that we learned that Eliana would be born still. Two months ago today, just three minutes before Mother’s Day, we held her.

I first began hearing the song Held long before I understood it firsthand. In fact, throughout my pregnancy with Eliana, it came on the radio so many times when I was in the car. I always listened intently, and would get tears in my eyes imagining what it would be like to lose a child. Even when I sat in the waiting room before that last ultrasound, the words came into my mind.

After losing Eliana, almost every time I play the radio while driving, I hear at least some part of this song. Today, I stopped to listen to it when it came on just as I pulled into a store parking lot.

Held
Performed by Natalie Grant Lyrics by Christa Wells

Two months is too little

They let him go
They had no sudden healing
To think that providence
Would take a child from his mother
While she prays, is appalling
Who told us we'd be rescued
What has changed and
Why should we be saved from nightmares
We're asking why this happens to us
Who have died to live, it's unfair

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

This hand is bitterness
We want to taste it and
Let the hatred numb our sorrows
The wise hand opens slowly
To lilies of the valley and tomorrow

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held

[Bridge]
If hope is born of suffering
If this is only the beginning
Can we not wait, for one hour
Watching for our savior

[Chorus]
This is what it means to be held
How it feels, when the sacred is torn from your life
And you survive
This is what it is to be loved and to know
That the promise was when everything fell
We'd be held
We'd be held
This is what it means to be held.....


Two months ago we were in the hospital waiting to deliver Eliana, waiting to see her face for the first time, waiting to count her fingers and toes, to compare her tiny features to us and her brothers. Two months ago, we held her. But not in the way we had wished: crying and kicking, alert and surprised by new sensations...alive. She was beautiful and perfectly formed, but so tiny, so still, so silent.

God didn’t promise to spare us from nightmares, but He did promise to carry us through them.

Today, all I want is to hold my baby girl, but instead, I am the one being held.

Psalm 68:19-20 (New Living Translation)
Praise the Lord; praise God our savior! For each day he carries us in his arms.

Our God is a God who saves! The Sovereign Lord rescues us from death.

11 comments:

  1. I saw the link to your blog on BabyCenter. I cannot begin to imagine what you and your family have gone through in the past two months.

    I am currently 34 weeks pregnant with a baby girl and the thought of losing her, as you did, is so overwhelming. I've been sitting here for twenty minutes, tears streaming down my face as I have read your story.

    I find it so refreshing that you and your family are leaning so heavily on the Lord through all of this. I don't know how people can make it through trials like this without Him to guide them.

    Know that my prayers are with you and your family. Yours is a story I will not soon forget and I pray that the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will be yours today and in the days, weeks, months and even years to come. God bless you and your family.

    ~Jaymi

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  2. I am a fellow bc mommy. I'm so sorry for your loss, but your faith is a true encouragement. I pray that our Lord will continue to give you strength and peace.

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  3. My deepest condolences to you and your husband and sons.

    From the Aug09 birthboard.

    --Sarah

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  4. Thank-you so much for sharing your beautiful story of Eliana Grace. God has given you such grace during this difficult time and your testimony will impact many that you will never even meet. I pray God continues to wrap his arms of comfort around you until you see your sweet baby girl again. God Bless!

    Khristina
    BabyCenter Aug. 09 board

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  5. Thank you so much for sharing Eliana's story with us. It hurts, even to read, but it reminds me that there is Nothing that God cannot carry us through and I thank you for that gift. And I am so grateful to God that on the last day, we will all rise and have life, true life, even as He does. Eliana will live all her life, this one and the resurrected life in the presence of Her Savior.

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  6. we lost a little boy nearly two years ago, and i feel his absence every day. but i also feel his love, and i know he is somewhere and he feels mine. *hugs* i'm sorry for the loss of your precious daughter.

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  7. There is a reason He is called the Great Comforter. I have not experienced your loss but I know that God, through His grace and mercy, will see you through this trial. I think the song "It is Well" is entirely appropriate and should be of great comfort. The fact that God can be praised and worshipped through trials like yours....and like those of the author of that particular hymn....is just a further testimony to the great love of God. I pray that you and your family can continue to rest in his everlasting Grace. I love you my dear sister...you have given me encouragement today through sharing your story. His peace be with you! God bless.

    --Leslie, August 09 club member

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  8. I'm also a fellow BC blogger. I came across your posting on the birth board. I just wanted to say thank you for sharing your story. You have a true talent for writing, and Eliana's story couldn't have been told in a more beautiful way. I hope your faith and strength in the Lord is an inspiration to others on our board, struggling with loss. My prayers are with you and your family.

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  9. Hi Jess,
    I'm glad you found my blog- I hate that it is under these circumstances, but I'm glad you found me, so that you have another shoulder to lean on. I'm glad you have your own blog to express your own sadness and to connect with others who are their for you. I love your butterfly template. I need to get me one of those butterflies from Webfetti- how cute.

    Your little butterfly Eliana was beautiful. Thank you for sharing her story with us.

    It is weird how you heard this song and had the thought about losing a child and then your worst fears came true. I really feel that the universe was trying to send me signs that I was going to lose my baby. First of all, I was surrounded by butterflies near the end of the pregnancy. I also had a nightmare early on in the pregnancy about losing Ella. I just hope the universe starts to send me some good signs because I am desperate to bring home a living baby from the hospital.

    I thinking about your two little boys at home. I hope they're hanging in there too. I'm sending you a big hug!

    Bree

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  10. I'm so sorry for what you and your family have been through. You sound very strong and I am glad that you have such strong faith to help you through this.

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  11. Hello from a fellow BBC Aug 09 mom. I'm so sorry for your loss, she is so beautiful, and even more so now with Jesus. You and your family will be in my prayers.

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