Looking Back

So it has been a while, but many times lately I have found myself wishing that I was still writing, and wanting to record some of my meandering thoughts and happenings again. I've been thinking a lot about peace lately, and the title of this blog. I look back at the reason this blog began, losing my sweet, precious little gift Eliana, and I marvel at the fact that I had such peace during that time, I marvel because I know it wasn't that I had such peace, it was that I was given such peace from the Lord, the supernatural kind. I've thought about starting a new blog, with a new, fun, creative title, but still I find Peace characterizing my existence, covering us every day, so this is the space where I want to stay.

Tonight I was experiencing that peace again. I sat on the couch doing Benjamin's chest therapy treatment, part of his daily regimen to manage Cystic Fibrosis, and reflecting on God's love and goodness. With Eliana's birthday in just a few days, I have been thinking back a lot on that time, and the year that followed with Benjamin's birth and diagnosis with CF. I am in awe of how well God chose to prepare me for his diagnosis. I know He knew that I needed to know ahead of time that something might be wrong. As hard as it was wondering throughout the pregnancy if he would have CF or not, it gave me time to learn about the disease, and get rid of a lot of misconceptions that would have devastated me if I was told about CF for the first time as I held him in my arms. It gave us time to think, and pray, and trust, and place him completely in God's hands before we even laid eyes on him.

God also prepared me through Eliana. Had I not experienced the loss of my daughter, I don't think I would have gotten to experience the same depth of peace, joy, love, and thankfulness that filled my heart over Ben even as we learned about CF. Because of her, I am just so thankful to have him alive and healthy in my arms, smiling, laughing, playing, living, that I have shed very few tears over Cystic Fibrosis. When I have cried, it is for him, because I don't want him to have to go through all the trials in his life that come with this disease, but even in that, I know that God will use it to mold and shape him into exactly the person He wants him to be. There are definitely times when I am anxious about the future, believe me, I have my moments! But, underlying it all is that supernatural peace, that surpasses all understanding, knowing that the loving Father who takes care of my little girl, is taking care of Benjamin, and has the blue-prints already laid out for his future. All I have to do is trust Him...