Tomorrow

I just wanted to post a quick update that tomorrow is our 20 week anatomy scan. We've been praying daily for good news at this appointment, and I am anxious to see what we will find out. At our last appointment, they saw on the ultrasound a prominent small intestine, which we were told could be a possible indicator of cystic fibrosis. The Dr. said that sometimes these things will not even show up the next time they check. Tomorrow we will see if it is indeed still showing up, and if so, we will probably be referred to see if we can find out more through a specialist. In addition, of course, I am hoping to get a good report on all of the other things they will be checking. Right now I am feeling mostly excited to get a look at our sweet little boy again, and lots of peace about whatever we will see. I would still ask for your prayers tomorrow as we go in at 1:30. Usually I start to feel more emotional, and a little panicked as soon as I drive into the clinic parking lot for each appointment, and since this is the big one, I'm sure I will be battling some anxiety.

We've done some research on CF since our last scan, and have felt encouraged by all the continuing medical advancements. The prognosis is really very good for a baby born now with the disease, as opposed to years prior. I feel confident that if we do find out he has it, God will give us all the grace we need to handle it, and our son can still have a long and full life even with the illness.

My last post was about how much I have been missing Eliana lately, even in relation to this pregnancy, but I don't want to overshadow in any way how excited I am about this little boy. Each time we've found out the gender, I have immediately started to feel like I know that little person so much better, and this time I have just been falling more and more in love with him with each passing day. I feel like he is such a special baby, because he was God's specific plan for us, even though we had no idea. We thought we would be having a baby last year, which means according to our timing, this year we would not. God knew differently from the beginning, and had this plan laid out all along for our special little boy to come into the world. I know he will bring so much joy into our lives, and I just can't wait to see his face, and get to know his unique little personality. While we will always miss our little girl, I believe God will also use this baby in a special way to bring further healing to our hearts like only He can. It's amazing to me how the human heart can carry so much heart ache, but so much loving anticipation and joy all at the same time. Never have I had such conflicting emotions at one time, but here I am.

I really wasn't surprised at all to find out we were having a boy. I had a feeling most of the time. Partly, because I had three different dreams about boys. In one I had in October, shortly after we found out we were expecting, I was pregnant with twins. Around the 25/26 week mark, I went into preterm labor. Everyone was extremely concerned except for me. Somehow, I just knew both babies would be okay. I knew that one was a girl and one a boy, and the girl was fully mature and could be born, but the boy needed more time. I told the doctors not to worry, "She will be just fine, and he won't be born now, he'll stay in there longer until the time is right." Sure enough, contrary to science, our baby girl was born at 25 weeks fully mature like a two month-old baby, and our little boy, who was at the normal developmental stage for that gestation would stay in the womb for many more weeks. Our daughter had lots of dark curly hair like Eliana did, and the prettiest dark eyes. I got to hold her, and talk to her as she gazed back at me lovingly and smiled. Pure bliss, and I didn't want to wake up.

The more I thought of it afterward, I wondered if the baby girl in my dream was really Eliana, two months old just as she would have been in October if she had lived to her due-date, and the baby boy twin was actually our next baby, for the pregnancy we were just beginning. Now that it was confirmed he is a boy, I take comfort in that explanation, and that my peace and assurance in the dream is the true assurance that he really will be born healthy at the proper time.

Later in the pregnancy I had another dream about the most adorable little newborn baby boy with dark hair and eyes like the baby girl from the other dream. He was so perfect and I loved him so much. I'm curious to find out if our son will resemble this baby or not when he's born.

My third boy dream, a couple days before last month's ultrasound was really funny. In real life, my mom was so convinced throughout this pregnancy that I was expecting a girl that she kept calling the baby "she" every time she referred to it. I reminded her often that it might very well be a boy, but she was convinced. It really didn't bother me all that much, besides being slightly annoying. In my dream, however, they confirmed that we were having a boy, and I went into an all out tirade to my mom for calling my son a girl for three months.

So, all that to say, my instincts were spot on with this one, and we are so blessed and so excited to be carrying this sweet little boy blue.