38 week update

Today I got to spend most of the day listening to my baby's heartbeat, and seeing him on ultrasound. I had my 38 week appointment at 11:30, beginning with an ultrasound. They do a bio-physical profile each time, measuring the amniotic fluid, looking for movement, and practice breathing, and he gets a score based on that information. Every time he has been practice breathing throughout the session. This time they gave him just a little over the maximum 1/2 hr limit, and he only did it a couple times, which they said didn't count. So, for the first time he didn't receive a perfect score. After that I had the NST, which charts the baby's heart-rate, looking for the right accelerations in response to his movements. That part went great, but when I saw the Dr. she said that since he didn't score perfect on the BPP, I had the option of going for extended monitoring. Of course I wanted to be sure he was okay, so that's what I chose to do.

Over to the hospital I went, where I was put back on the monitors and his heartbeat continued to sound good. Even though I've done it week after week now, I never get tired of hearing that wonderful sound!! After about 1 1/2 hours, and 1 1/2 episodes of Cold Case I was called in for an ultrasound. He did well right away with movements, and she started taking lots of measurements. This was a better machine than the one at the office, where he had measured an estimated 8 lb., and this time he measured 8 lb, 14 oz.!! At the office they were having a hard time getting a tummy measurement because he was kind of scrunched up, but this time he was more spread out so I think they got the more accurate measurements. He is turning into one chunky monkey!! The tech asked me if we had set a date for induction yet, and I realized that they probably would have mentioned that if we hadn't been so focused on the test results, so I might call back tomorrow just to see if we can get something set up.

I'm getting a little nervous about him being so big, because my first son was 9 lb. 6 oz, and he had a difficult delivery and ended up with a broken collarbone at birth because his shoulders got stuck. This can be very risky during delivery so I really hope that doesn't happen again this time around! With that in mind, I would love to get him here even today!!!

He finally cooperated and did his breathing motions, and we were given the perfect score and the green light to go home. It was 4 by the time I left there, and by this time I was starving and exhausted, and after lying on the hospital beds focusing so much on the baby, I wished I was getting to take him home with me!! But, I'm so thankful he still appears to be doing great, and it is only a matter of time before he's here!!

Baby June is Coming Soon!

Today we took the boys to the sibling class at Mercy Hospital where each of our babies have been born. They got to learn about how to hold a baby, and even practiced diapering and swaddling the baby dolls. We got to see the birthing room, and peek in the nursery where the nurses held up some newborns for the children to look at. At first the boys were hesitant to even go to the class, but I think they did enjoy it and learned something from it. Overall, I don't think anything will really prepare them for the baby's arrival, it will just happen suddenly and then all the adjusting will need to take place. Especially since they have experienced having a baby that they didn't get to take home, I think they will be taken by surprise by the whole experience.

I'm really looking forward to seeing them interact with their little brother. Both of them have said they want to help, and Jayden (3 1/2)assures me every now and then that he will share his toys with the baby, and I explain that at first the baby won't be able to play with anything. Caedmon (5 1/2) remembers when Jayden was a baby and he would always bring me a diaper or the paci, so he's looking forward to doing those things again. He also wants to help give the baby a bath, so it looks like I will have some eager volunteers for all of the baby's care. I've been worried about how I will spend enough time with each child, but I think we'll just all have to interact together, and my time with the older ones will often involve including them in what I do with the baby. Of course we'll still make time for reading books and some of their other favorite activities.

I can't believe he will be here so soon! My due-date is only 23 days away, and there's a good chance he will come sooner. Thursday at my appointment I was 2-3 cm and the Dr. could feel his head. She said "Looks like this baby wants to come soon!" Unfortunately soon is a relative word, which can seem much longer from the patient's perspective! There is really no guarantee that he'll come early, but I was excited to know that I'm progressing, and have really kicked it into high gear checking things off our long to-do list just in case. It would be nice if he would come early because at my ultrasound at 35 weeks they estimated that he was already just over 7 lbs. At that rate he will be huge by 40 weeks!!

As close as we're getting, it still seems unreal for the most part. I don't think it will really hit me until I'm holding him in my arms. I remember when I first found out I was pregnant, June seemed an eternity away, and now here we are!

In all of this, we are missing Eliana, and remembering the time we spent in the hospital with her. Those few fleeting moments we saw her face, and felt the weight of her in our arms. If she was with us now, she would be crawling everywhere and probably pulling up on the furniture, keeping us very busy and our hands would be so full with another baby about to be born! How sweet it would be...
Wishing we could have them both, but so happy to have our little boy soon!

Josephine Victoria

I could hear her newborn cry over the telephone, and with tears in my eyes I told my husband and boys good bye and hopped in the car. (okay it's not really hopping these days, more like waddling, and then squeezing in behind the wheel!) Feeling happy and excited, and emotional and anxious at the same time, I prayed as I drove to the hospital. I was glad to find a parking place right away, and took a deep breath as I walked up, passing the Hope angel and memorial garden for Eliana and all the babies in heaven who were born at Mercy, went inside and took the elevator to the mother and baby floor where I knew I would see her in the nursery.

My mom greeted me with a smile as I got off the elevator and my heart felt lighter as we walked together to peer into the window, and I got my first glimpse of my precious little niece Josephine Victoria. She was beautiful like her big sister, with a head full of dark hair like both of her siblings when they were born, and I was instantly in love with her.

After watching her being poked and prodded for a little bit, we took the elevator up a floor to labor and delivery so I could see my sister. This was my first time to venture to either of these places since I was there with Eliana last year. I took deep breaths as we walked past the huge blown up photos of adorable, healthy newborns that line the corridors, and into her birthing suite to congratulate her, and hear all about how the delivery went.

I'm so glad I had the opportunity to do this before I go again to give birth in the next few weeks. It was definitely good to see that everything went fine with her, and just to be able to face being in that environment again in a different situation. Most of all, so good to just hold and love that healthy little baby, and be reminded once again that miracles happen every day.
Just look at this sweet little gift from God!!
Josephine Victoria
7 lb. 5 oz.
May 24th, 2010


It got a little wild and crazy up there when my Mom and I brought my two boys along with my sister's son and daughter. I didn't get a lot of good pics because I was taking photos for my sister with her camera a lot of the time, but did come away with a few. Both of my boys seemed a little hesitant and unsure about the whole thing, but hopefully this will prepare them a little better for when their brother is born!






Although Jayden looks less than thrilled to be holding her, we're all so glad she's here safely and look forward to spending a lot more time getting to know her. Congratulations Shanya and Josh, and big sister Julia and big brother Joven!!!

Eliana's Birthday

Crystal at Calvin's Cupcakes made Eliana this adorable cupcake for her first birthday.



Mary sent two more beautiful works of art, including a birthday one!

The days leading up to Eliana's birthday/Mother's Day were emotional ones with the anticipation of what was to come. We were praying that the actual day could be a peaceful one, and even a happy time of remembering Eliana and thinking of her in heaven. We also prayed for good weather because we had plans to do a butterfly release at the cemetary. We've been having a lot of rain and cooler temperatures lately so I was worried that the butterflies wouldn't be able to fly.

God answered yes to all of those prayers. It was warmer and sunnier than forcasted, without a hint of rain. Of course I had a mixture of emotions on that day, but we were able to have a special remembrance time that honored Eliana's life and glorified God. My husband shared from Psalm 139, and we sang Jesus Loves Me, the first song we have taught to each of our children. I always find those words "Little ones to Him belong" bittersweet now, and a little harder to sing out loud. But, what comforting truth is found in those simple words.

The butterfly release was really special. There is just something about seeing those beautiful creatures fly to freedom that warms my heart when I think of Eliana, even as it saddens me at the same time. We're so thankful to Butterflies and Prayers for arranging for the donation of butterflies, and to Wish Upon a Butterfly, the company who chose to donate to us.

The story of Eliana's day is really best told in pictures:

My oldest son wanted to make her dinosaur cupcakes, because he had told her about dinosaurs when she was in the womb.



I made her a butterfly cake, of course.



We wished so much she could be with us, but it was special to watch the other kids at her "party" have fun and enjoy eating cake and ice cream like they would if she was here.


Getting lots of love from my boys on "Mommy's Day" as it's traditionally called at our house.



Eliana's big brothers holding her marker. It was supposed to be placed in the ground, but the wrong granite came in, so we just had the bronze part of it. It's hard to see in these shots, but it says
Eliana Grace Kline
Fearfully and Wonderfully Made
May 9, 2009


The highlight of Eliana's first birthday was the butterfly release!








It was a day full of beauty, just like the special little girl we were celebrating.

One Year

One Year…

I miss Eliana, and think of her every day. All week there has been a heaviness on my heart, and it has been harder to breath. But today, my heart is just broken. One year ago today, at this very moment, I sat alone in the Dr.’s office, waiting for my husband to arrive after learning that our daughter was no longer living. The saddest day of my life.

Now today, we have things to plan and do to be ready for Eliana’s 1st birthday in heaven tomorrow, but all we can do is just miss her. We have a special day planned with cake and ice cream, and a butterfly release at the cemetery, but it’s hard to make a cake, get balloons, and prepare a party for your child who is no longer with you. It all just feels so empty, like meager attempts to drown out the silence left by her absence. We want to celebrate her little life, and rejoice that she has been enjoying heaven for a year, but at the same time, what are her Mommy and Daddy to do but just miss her? It’s heart breaking that she won’t be here to smash her strawberry butterfly cake all over her face, or smile and laugh at the little butterflies that will take off all around us. Today the ache is just so deep, and even with our little boys around, the house is so, so quiet.

One year seems a long time, but for us who are grieving, we are back to last year like it was yesterday. It all comes back so vividly, as we think of one whole year of our lives going by without her. There is so much we have missed this year, and so much we will always miss on this earth.

Lately my three-year-old son has been talking about his sister more and more. Sometimes he still gets confused because I have been pregnant for so long. He will say something about Eliana in mommy’s tummy, and then we go through a little ritual:
“Jayden, is Eliana in Mommy’s tummy?”
“No”
“Who is in Mommy’s tummy?”
“Baby Brother.”
“Where is Eliana?”
Then his face always lights up with the biggest smile and he says,
“She’s in heaven with Jesus!”
“Will she come back?”
Sometimes he answers no, and sometimes yes, and the conversation continues accordingly.
Today we were talking about the new baby coming soon, and he said
“I want Eliana to come home to our house,”
And we had our same conversation about heaven. Then he got the saddest, pouty face he can make and said,
“Mommy, I wanted both of my babies to come home…”
Holding back the tears I answered “I know baby, me too.”

Yesterday in the van my oldest son Caedmon was teary-eyed when he said,
“I wish I had gotten to see Eliana…” I reminded him that he did see her, but he said,
“No, I wanted to see her alive.”
“I know Sweetie, we all wish that…”

Our little ones are so sensitive and intuitive it catches me off guard sometimes. It’s so sweet to see how they love their little sister, but so heartbreaking to see them missing her too. Today their feelings sum up my own, I wish so very much I could have held her alive, and looked into her sweet little eyes and that I could bring both of my babies home.

Eliana, we all love you so, so much, there are no words to describe. You are forever in our hearts, forever in our family.

A Beautiful Gift

I feel so grateful to be able to post these truly amazing drawings by a wonderful woman in France named Maryline. I was able to get in touch with her through Holly after seeing the beautiful tribute Maryline did for Carleigh. I can't tell you how much it touches my heart for a woman across the world to be thinking of our precious Eliana, and to give our family such a gift. We really didn't get very many pictures, and even fewer that we can share, so these are priceless to me.

Heartbreaking

Please bring my friend Becky to God in prayer, along with her husband, son, and daughter. I learned today that their 7 month old son Seth went to be with Jesus during the night last night. He was unable to see, and had been having issues with seizures, and most recently feeding, but this was certainly unexpected. I just feel so heartbroken for Seth's Mommy and Daddy and big brother and sister. Even with the loss we've had, I really can't imagine what they are going through, but I can definitely relate. Please ask the Lord to bring them peace like a river, as only He can, and to wrap them in a blanket of His comfort and love. We thought Seth and Eliana would have played together on earth, now they are exploring heaven together.

Today's passage on biblegateway.com was Job 19:25-27
I know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;
I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!

Seth is seeing Him now, with his own eyes, and after being blind on earth, he has already seen more beauty than those of us here can imagine. He had mostly lost the ability to smile, but in heaven he is filled with joy indescribable!

And that is our hope as well. Even in the midst of unspeakable suffering, Job was comforted only by that one sustaining thought: my Redeemer lives, and one day I will see Him with my own eyes.