Looking Back

So it has been a while, but many times lately I have found myself wishing that I was still writing, and wanting to record some of my meandering thoughts and happenings again. I've been thinking a lot about peace lately, and the title of this blog. I look back at the reason this blog began, losing my sweet, precious little gift Eliana, and I marvel at the fact that I had such peace during that time, I marvel because I know it wasn't that I had such peace, it was that I was given such peace from the Lord, the supernatural kind. I've thought about starting a new blog, with a new, fun, creative title, but still I find Peace characterizing my existence, covering us every day, so this is the space where I want to stay.

Tonight I was experiencing that peace again. I sat on the couch doing Benjamin's chest therapy treatment, part of his daily regimen to manage Cystic Fibrosis, and reflecting on God's love and goodness. With Eliana's birthday in just a few days, I have been thinking back a lot on that time, and the year that followed with Benjamin's birth and diagnosis with CF. I am in awe of how well God chose to prepare me for his diagnosis. I know He knew that I needed to know ahead of time that something might be wrong. As hard as it was wondering throughout the pregnancy if he would have CF or not, it gave me time to learn about the disease, and get rid of a lot of misconceptions that would have devastated me if I was told about CF for the first time as I held him in my arms. It gave us time to think, and pray, and trust, and place him completely in God's hands before we even laid eyes on him.

God also prepared me through Eliana. Had I not experienced the loss of my daughter, I don't think I would have gotten to experience the same depth of peace, joy, love, and thankfulness that filled my heart over Ben even as we learned about CF. Because of her, I am just so thankful to have him alive and healthy in my arms, smiling, laughing, playing, living, that I have shed very few tears over Cystic Fibrosis. When I have cried, it is for him, because I don't want him to have to go through all the trials in his life that come with this disease, but even in that, I know that God will use it to mold and shape him into exactly the person He wants him to be. There are definitely times when I am anxious about the future, believe me, I have my moments! But, underlying it all is that supernatural peace, that surpasses all understanding, knowing that the loving Father who takes care of my little girl, is taking care of Benjamin, and has the blue-prints already laid out for his future. All I have to do is trust Him...

Life lately

So much has been happening it's hard to know where to begin...The school year is definitely in full swing, which means not only has my oldest started kindergarten, but I am back to teaching music lessons, and our Wednesday night kids program at church and two weekly Bible studies have begun as well. Combine all of that with the normal day to day care of three children, and Benjamin's CF treatments and you have a recipe for a big pot of Busyness with a scoop of craziness on top! Each moment of the day seems to be spoken for, and at the end of the day, so much is still left undone. I am learning a lot about priorities, time management, and multi-tasking!

Things are generally going well in the midst of the Busyness. We can't stop praising God for Benjamin. He is such a huge gift wrapped in the cutest and cuddliest of packages! He has the sweetest disposition and loves to smile and "talk" to us all the time. It still just melts my heart when he looks into my eyes with such pure sweetness. He continues to do remarkably well with CF, with no lung issues and impressive weight gain. At 3 months, one week he already weighed 16 lb., 3 oz. and had nearly doubled his birth weight! At the CF clinic they always like patients to be around the 50th percentile for weight to height ratio, and for the first time at his last visit he finally made it, and even crossed over to the 67th percentile! He was in the 20th at his first visit, and down to the 15th at one point so it's so exciting to see him thriving like this. He is just so healthy right now and we're so grateful.

Recently I met a woman who works in the NICU at the hospital where Ben was born and she was telling me about a little 4 month-old with CF who has been in the NICU since she was born because of digestive issues. I am so sad for her and for her family, and it just brought home again how blessed we are for him to be doing as well as he is. At times I feel like I'm in denial about the disease because I almost forget that something isn't right with him. We do spend a lot of time doing preventative treatments though, hoping to maintain this level of health for as long as possible. With every feeding we give him digestive enzymes and do chest therapy twice daily to break up thickened mucous so it doesn't build up in his lungs. Last month they also added a breathing treatment twice daily before the chest therapy to open up his airways so the therapy is more effective. All of this takes most of the morning between dropping Caedmon off and then picking him up from morning kindergarten, so you can imagine how the day goes by so quickly!

Caedmon is enjoying school and last week I had the fun of joining his class on a field trip to the pumpkin patch. Jayden enjoys the free reign he has over the house and all the toys while his big brother is gone to school! All the boys are growing so fast I often wonder what Eliana would be like at this stage. Toddling around the house and getting curious, I'm sure. The other day at Mc.Donald's playland, Jayden (my 3-year-old) had a thoughtful look while he watched some little girls playing and said with a smile, "Mommy, I was going to say we don't have any girls...but you're a girl, and Eliana's a girl...she's our girl Mommy." So sweet.

At kindergarten Caedmon was featured to tell about himself and have the other kids ask him questions one day. He came home and told me "I told them I have two brothers, but I didn't tell them I had a sister. I decided to keep it a secret." Then he said he doesn't like to talk about her because it makes him sad.

For me, sometimes I am like Jayden. I can think of her and talk about her freely with a smile, feeling thankful for the beautiful blessing of her life, and joy that she is in heaven. Many times, I am more like Caedmon. I have her tucked away safely in my heart, and it feels almost too sacred to disclose. When asked about my children, I often tell people I have three boys and leave it at that, thinking to myself "and a princess in heaven..." I know now that I don't have to talk about her to prove my love for her, it is etched so deeply and permanently on my heart that it has just become a part of who I am. Whether I speak or fall silent, I am always and forever her mother and that is something that cannot be erased by the separation of time, space, or realm.

Sometimes when holding Ben I kiss him an extra time or squeeze him a little tighter as I think of Eliana. There are moments of sadness for what might have been with her, but it also makes loving him all the sweeter. My heart is full of a deeper knowledge of what a treasure and miracle he is, because of the understanding that she gave me. God has truly blessed us, many times over with these sweet little ones.

God is so good...



God is so good...




God is so good...






He's so good to me...

A Walk to Remember

Yesterday was 17 months since the day you were in our arms. I still speak your name every day. Sometimes now, it is spoken quietly in my heart, and other times we speak it out loud as we daydream about what you might be like now if you were here, or look back in rememberance of the short time you were growing in my womb, and the brief moments we held you.

Today, we walked to remember you, joining so many others whose babies are exploring heaven with you. We walked to a special memory garden and laid a white rose for you at the feet of the Hope Angel, and today, we spoke your name out loud to as many as would listen. Eliana Grace, we speak your name to say that we miss you, we love you so very much, we want the world to know: you are real, you were here, and even as you live forever in heaven, you remain alive forever here with us in our hearts. We will never stop speaking your name, and we will always long for the day that our faith becomes sight and our hope becomes a realty--that day when we hold you again in heaven.



A Walk to Remember

by Kathie Ratoj Mayo

I walk to remember
the steps you'll never take.
I carry you with me
as I firmly plant my feet.
Our trek started long ago,
before my belly swelled.
You were a love that grew-
like butterfly wings that beat.
Your gently flutters then became
kicks upon which I would dwell.
And I would talk to you, sweet babe,
about the world you soon would meet.

The sun always shone upon us then-
when you were in my womb.
And I was eager to show you the world
that would have been your home.
How you'd have loved the sun shining-
blue skies without a cloud.
The autumn leaves turning-
the snow falling all around.
The flowers in summer-
would have filled your eyes with smiles.
And the rain that might have fallen
would have caused you great surprise.

You would have traveled far with me-
holding me by the hand,
And I'd have shown you all I could-
more than I can imagine.

You hold my heart tightly now,
as though we're holding hands.
How far we've traveled, little one-
and my life with you has been sweet.
For I carry you in my heart,
as I firmly plant my feet.

16 Months

It's been...
sixteen months since we held you
sixteen months since we had to let you go...
you would fit so perfectly into our lives,
and you still fit so beautifully into our hearts.
Wishing I could hold your sweet toddler hand in mine, and lead your wobbly steps beside me down life's uncertain path, but He has made your path so straight down those streets of gold. And one day it is you who will take my hand and guide me down that path.
Loving you always, sweet baby girl.


Proverbs 3:5-6
Trust in the LORD with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding;in all your ways acknowledge him, and he will make your paths straight.

First Day of School

I can't believe today I dropped that sweet baby off to kindergarten for the first time!! My oldest son Caedmon is already in school. We chose to do half day kindergarten for a smoother transition from home-schooling last year, and so that I can still work with him at home in the afternoon when there's time. He's been nervous about it all summer, and every time someone would mention it he would say "I'm not going to kindergarten!" but I love that after praying about it with him and going to the open house, he was excited to go, and couldn't wait until this morning came.

It also just came out yesterday that after seeing a scene of corporal punishment on Anne of Green Gables some time ago he was afraid that he was going to get a "spanking on the hands" from the teacher! If only I had known that earlier this summer I could have reassured him sooner, poor kid! Who knew that movie would traumatize a child! Once we got that cleared up he definitely relaxed more and when I picked him up today he was all smiles and excitement about the year ahead.

It's hard to believe this sweet boy who was not-so-long-ago my baby is now going to school. There are so many moments like this that I wish I could freeze in time. Watching him walk into his classroom today reminded me of how quickly he will be grown and going out into the world. I know it seems a little silly when he's only 5, but as quickly as these years have gone, I know the next ones will fly by even faster, and I will look back and wish I could revisit today.

Caedmon going to open house:


About to get in the car on the first day of school:

Sitting at his desk for the first time:

Jayden wished he could go too, but got to spend the morning on his scooter

Now, Ben, promise me you will not be going to kindergarten any time soon!

When I wrote my previous post, I had intended to come back the next day to explain more about the significance of Saturday's date, but the last few days have been so busy I am only now getting to do that. Saturday marked not the anniversary of Eliana's death, but one year from her due-date. We said hello and good bye to her on May 9th of last year, after almost 26 weeks of pregnancy. My due date was August 14th, so that time holds a lot of importance for me too.

I've been thinking about Eliana so much lately, and just feeling the weight of her absence even more than usual. It took me a little while to realize, that's because it is August. We've done some of the same things we did last year at this time, and it just brings back the depth of sadness and longing that we had then, realizing that she would have been in our arms had she lived. I remember attending the Balloon Classic and the State Fair, seeing her in every tiny baby that we passed by, and just feeling such an ache.

This year I saw her again in chubby-faced pig-tailed toddlers, heard her in their laughter, and felt her absence in their presence. She would have turned one in this last week, maybe Saturday, and when I close my eyes to think about it, I am really almost there with her, watching her enjoy the beautiful day.

What Might Have Been

I'm rushing around with last minute details in the kitchen as I hear her laughing from the other room. I hand Mark the ice cream and butterfly cake, and then squeeze past him to get a view of her face as he sets them down in front of her and lights the candles. Her eyes light up and sparkle when she sees it and she claps her hands.

She sits in her booster, squirming and reaching to grab her cake. Only moments ago she was toddling around the room and had to be corralled by Grandma to get her confined in the seat. She took her first steps a month ago, but only this week started really getting places, just in time for today.

I see her looking so cute, still my baby, but really starting to look like a little girl. Her hair has gotten longer, so she just barely has pig tails today and looks so pretty in the colorful dress I had chosen during my pregnancy and saved for this occasion.

How quickly a year has gone, so many firsts and so much laughter...

As soon as she gets her piece of cake she digs right in and squishes it all up between her fingers, then she decides to taste it, and by the end she is basically wearing it, not just all over her face, but even in her hair and on her dress!

Daddy cleans her up, and she can't wait to get down and play. She toddles over to me and hides behind my legs, peeking out and giggling at Grandpa. Soon she starts to open presents. This is a new concept, and I end up opening most of them for her. She seems more interested in crinkling the wrapping paper and playing with the boxes than the actual gifts, but when we give her the baby doll we got for her she squeezes it tight and we snap a picture. Then she gives me a big hug like she knows that she is the dolly's Mommy just like I am her Mommy.

What a perfect day...

Of course all of this is only the shadow of what might have been. When I close my eyes, I can see her, and I can almost hear us singing
"Happy Birthday to you, happy birthday to you, happy birthday Eliana, Happy Birthday to you..."