A Beautiful Gift

I feel so grateful to be able to post these truly amazing drawings by a wonderful woman in France named Maryline. I was able to get in touch with her through Holly after seeing the beautiful tribute Maryline did for Carleigh. I can't tell you how much it touches my heart for a woman across the world to be thinking of our precious Eliana, and to give our family such a gift. We really didn't get very many pictures, and even fewer that we can share, so these are priceless to me.

Heartbreaking

Please bring my friend Becky to God in prayer, along with her husband, son, and daughter. I learned today that their 7 month old son Seth went to be with Jesus during the night last night. He was unable to see, and had been having issues with seizures, and most recently feeding, but this was certainly unexpected. I just feel so heartbroken for Seth's Mommy and Daddy and big brother and sister. Even with the loss we've had, I really can't imagine what they are going through, but I can definitely relate. Please ask the Lord to bring them peace like a river, as only He can, and to wrap them in a blanket of His comfort and love. We thought Seth and Eliana would have played together on earth, now they are exploring heaven together.

Today's passage on biblegateway.com was Job 19:25-27
I know that my Redeemer lives,
and that in the end he will stand upon the earth.
And after my skin has been destroyed,
yet in my flesh I will see God;
I myself will see him
with my own eyes—I, and not another.
How my heart yearns within me!

Seth is seeing Him now, with his own eyes, and after being blind on earth, he has already seen more beauty than those of us here can imagine. He had mostly lost the ability to smile, but in heaven he is filled with joy indescribable!

And that is our hope as well. Even in the midst of unspeakable suffering, Job was comforted only by that one sustaining thought: my Redeemer lives, and one day I will see Him with my own eyes.

The Joy of a Little Boy

Today my heart is filled with joy about our sweet little boy on the way. The time is drawing nearer to the day we will hold him in our arms. It gets more real with each passing day, and we fall more and more in love with him. He is so active now, and seems to be on a sleeping and waking schedule. I'll have to change that as soon as he's born though, because he seems to be awake all through the night, and asleep a lot throughout the day!!

This morning we had an ultrasound with the perinatologist. They decided to send us there for a more high-tech ultrasound to see his bowel more clearly, and determine if we really need to monitor it any further since it has seemed to improve. It was a little unsettling just to go to that office, somewhere I really never wanted to be, but it brought a real peace and thankfulness to my heart knowing that we are so fortunate that he is doing as well as he is. There was a palpable tension in the waiting area, and my heart went out to other parents, wondering what news they might be receiving that day.

Our appointment went very well. The tech was friendly, and happy to turn on the 3-D and print off tons of cute pictures of his little face. It was so fun to see him yawning, moving his tongue around, putting his hands up to his mouth. It helps me to be able to picture him more outside the womb and in my arms, doing these same cute things in a couple months. It still seems so far away, elusive almost, but yet it becomes more real when we see him like this.







His mouth definitely resembles Eliana, and also our other two boys. I think they all have their Daddy's mouth.


I asked about his size, and she said he is measuring two weeks ahead, at 33 weeks when I am at 31! He weighs over 4 lbs. Although it might ultimately mean a harder delivery, this was great news for us. Each of our boys have measured big, born at 9 lb. 6 oz., and 8 lb. 11 oz. Most of the babies born to other members of our family have also been big, so I would have been a little more concerned about his digestion and possible CF if he wasn't a bit oversized.:)

The Dr. came in and gave us a pretty good report. He said the baby looks like he's doing really well, and upon very careful inspection of the bowel, he could say there might be a "soft marker," but it is slight enough that he really doesn't see a need to be concerned about it any further at this point. Of course he'll be tested after he's born, but at this point we can just breath easy until then. And that's what we intend to do, accompanied by lots of prayer:).

Since our house hasn't sold, we are taking it off the market for now so we can get things ready for the baby. It's time to start making plans about how to fit all of his things into our little house, and really prepare for his arrival! Not to mention, he still needs a name! We're working on it, but we have several choices that we like, so it's a matter of narrowing it down to one that we both feel really good about.

I've been able to buy him some special things lately, both at the store and at garage sales. Even though we have two other boys, this is our first summer baby, so he needs some things of his own.

Each of these steps of preparation is helping not only to prepare our home, but to prepare our hearts for his arrival. I've been attached to him all along, but in the last month or so, I feel I've been able to let go of some of the fear so that I can love him more openly and freely. Even though there are still no guarantees, it's just not worth it to hold anything back when it comes to loving him. Whether one of our children's days here with us are many or few I want to love them as deeply and wholeheartedly as possible every one of those days. I'm so glad that I was able to love Eliana fully, without holding anything back. Even though it makes the loss so much more difficult, it is so worth it to have had the joy of loving her.

Maybe it has taken me a bit longer this time, but I'm so thankful God has been bringing healing into our lives this year, allowing me to open my heart to love this little one with the same intensity as each of our babies. We're so excited for him to get here so we can show him just how loved he is. God is so good, and continues to give us so much hope and peace that this baby will bring such blessing into our lives, whether he has CF or not. He already has, and so have each of our children.

Here are some pics of baby things I've gotten for him.
This is one of my favorites. I love how cute the one-piece gowns are, and how easy they are for changing diapers, so we had to have these!

We let each of the boys pick something out for him too. Caedmon chose puppy slippers, and Jayden the puppy blanket.

With a big sister in heaven, and two big brothers to keep up with, of course he needs the little brother onesie.

Some cute plaid short for summer, just like his big brothers



When I said, "My foot is slipping," your love, O LORD, supported me.
When anxiety was great within me, your consolation brought joy to my soul.
Psalm 94:18-20

A Wonderful Weekend

As busy as we've been, I'm just now getting to post about Easter weekend. We had a great time with my family in Marshalltown. We left Friday night, so we brought Caedmon and Jayden in their PJs so we could just carry them into bed when we got there. They were so excited to be going, and to load their own suitcases into the van.


They had such a great time while we were there, playing with cousins, and enjoying two egg hunts and a puppet show. We gave them scooters, and my mom gave them some other outdoor things, so they spent a lot of the weekend outside. It was gorgeous weather! Even our littlest easter bunny, growing away in Mommy's tummy, got to come outside.:)



Of course, we were thinking a lot about Eliana that weekend, and wishing she could be with us to celebrate. She would be 8 months, just big enough to be sitting there with her cousins. I would have so loved to see her wearing her pretty Easter dress, grinning with a big bow in her hair! When we found out she was a girl, it seemed a little unreal after seeing so much blue twice in a row, so we immediately went out and got her four out-fits. One was going to be her first Easter dress.


We got one little stuffed bunny for each of our little bunnies, Caedmon, Jayden, Eliana, and our little guy whose name is yet to be determined.



Another very special thing we did that weekend, was to order Eliana's gravestone! We have been praying all year that God would provide enough to pay for it, and while we had saved some, we weren't very close until we found out we would be getting more back from our tax return this year than expected. God did provide more than enough, with some left over for our roof repair. When I went to order it, the price they quoted us was also much higher than it had been before, so we almost ordered something different than what we had picked out. Fortunately, they were able to do some more checking, and found it cheaper through another company. So, she will have a butterfly marker, placed just in time for her first birthday in heaven on Mother's Day this year!! I feel so blessed to finally have her name where it can be preserved through time.

We also brought Eliana flowers for her grave-site. I took a photo with her bunnies, one we had bought her on sale after Easter last year, and the other from this year. After the visit, I just held those little bunnies, wishing so much she could be in my arms.



The boys had fun again playing on the lambs in the gardens, bringing to mind again the thought of Jesus holding each of our little lambs in his arms, two on earth, two in heaven with him, and one in the womb. (I wrote more on that in this post)






On Easter weekend, while missing our daughter, having so much fun with our two sons, and anticipating the birth of another boy, we were just so thankful for the God we serve. We are just so blessed that we serve a risen Savior. We have so much more to praise Him for than new scooters, nice weather, and even the money for a very special piece of granite. Jesus Christ died on the cross and rose again, He is alive in heaven caring for our daughter and preparing a place for each of us. He has claimed victory over the grave, so for those who believe in Him, we won't just miss and remember our loved ones who have left us, we will actually live with them again in a place that defies imagination. Then our time of sorrow will seem like only the blink of an eye, and all the sadness will melt away into perfect peace and joy.

I love this song by Chris Tomlin, it describes that hope so well. My husband heard it for the first time on his drive from work to meet me at the Drs. office after receiving the news that Eliana didn't have a heartbeat.

"I Will Rise"

There's a peace I've come to know
Though my heart and flesh may fail
There's an anchor for my soul
I can say "It is well"

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

There's a day that's drawing near
When this darkness breaks to light
And the shadows disappear
And my faith shall be my eyes

Jesus has overcome
And the grave is overwhelmed
The victory is won
He is risen from the dead

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

And I hear the voice of many angels sing,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
And I hear the cry of every longing heart,
"Worthy is the Lamb"
[x2]

[Chorus:]
And I will rise when He calls my name
No more sorrow, no more pain
I will rise on eagles' wings
Before my God fall on my knees
And rise
I will rise

Unchartered Territory

This week I have passed a big pregnancy milestone. I am 26 weeks going on 27, so Baby June has now eclipsed his big sister by a little over a week. Realizing that, I am just so thankful for each moment, but at the same time it is bittersweet, because each little kick and roll reminds me of the moments I will never have with Eliana. There is once again that paradox of being excited about the growing baby inside of me, while still longing for the one I am missing. Will my feelings associated with my son always be a dichotomy?

And why does the path ahead feel so much like unchartered territory? I've already delivered two healthy babies. I've heard that beautiful sound of the first newborn cry, and experienced the tears of happiness when my new squirmy baby is placed on my chest and our eyes meet in an instant bond of love. So why is it that it feels so foreign again? I close my eyes and try to picture that moment with this little boy, and it is still so difficult to do. I don't think it's an issue of doubt and fear. Lately, I feel very little fear about experiencing another death in the womb. God has given us so much peace about that, and although there is some uncertainty about his health after birth, I've come to feel a strong assurance in the goodness of God's overall plan for our son.

For me, I think it is just the undeniable fact that Eliana has changed me forever. The moments of her short life and her silent entry into this world have left their mark on my soul, and I will never view pregnancy and childbirth in the same way again. As much as I treasure in my heart the experience we had with her, it was traumatic nonetheless. The complete antithesis of what it "should" be, and in that part of my mind and heart that goes beyond all reason and understanding there is a wound so deep that it won't allow me to fully picture and embrace the thought of a healthy birth experience. There is just something beyond words that holds me back.

I do believe in my heart that we will have that healthy birth, I believe I will hear that amazing cry, and feel that warm wiggly goodness in my arms that means life. I love this little boy with all my heart, and long for the day I will get to tell him face to face. I know it will be incredible, and all it was before and more. But for now, it all feels like unchartered territory.

I'll leave you with pictures of a happy outcome

Newborn Caedmon in the hospital:


Newborn Jayden in the hospital:


Philippians 4:6-7 Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.

Baby June Update

Recently I came home from work when my mom was baby-sitting the boys, and she told me the doctor had phoned and said he was just "checking in." I knew that meant he had something significant to tell me, and since we were expecting our results from my husband's CF carrier screening, that had to be it.

I dialed his office with my heart beating fast, and as he picked up the phone and I told him who I was, I held my breath.

"I was just calling to tell you that those test results for your husband came back today, and he did test positive as a carrier for the cystic fibrosis gene..." He went on to tell me again about the statistics, one in four that our baby will have the disease, and more background information. He said we could talk more at my next appointment coming up, and in the meantime we could research on-line over the weekend and let him know if we want to set up an appointment with a genetic counselor.

Wow...it was just so strange to hear those words. Over the past 10 weeks we have gone from a tiny tiny percentage chance to a 25% chance that our baby has CF. Especially considering the ultrasound finding with his intestine looking prominent, we felt very concerned for our son. That finding is what initially prompted them to check if we were carriers, but they assured us of the rarity that we would both come back positive. Yet now, here we are again in a small minority, again facing the possibility of joining a club we never signed up for...

The next few days went by in a relative blur of praying, doing research, and just feeling overwhelmed with the magnitude of this news. Less than a year ago we buried our only daughter, now we are suddenly faced with the possibility of our son having a life-threatening illness. Difficult to process, impossible to understand, and yet somehow we had to find perspective.

I couldn't sleep in the days leading up to our appointment. It wasn't just that I was anxious, I was in desperate need of reaching out to God, and for Him to answer. I would wake up in the night suddenly praying in my spirit for my little boy before my mind could catch up. I would try to nap on the couch only to be awakened soon after with more fervent prayer.

I wasn't sure how to pray. We don't know if he has inherited both of our CF genes or not, he might already be perfectly healthy...or not. Do I pray for him to be healed? We know God is fully capable of bringing him to us healthy, but we also know our will doesn't always line up with His. I'm so grateful for those verses found in Romans 8:26-27: "In the same way, the Spirit helps us in our weakness. We do not know what we ought to pray for, but the Spirit himself intercedes for us with groans that words cannot express. And he who searches our hearts knows the mind of the Spirit, because the Spirit intercedes for the saints in accordance with God's will."

I just decided to lay my heart on the line, and trust that the Holy Spirit will step in where my prayers fail. I have told God that our hearts' cry is for our son to be born healthy, so that's what we're praying for. Yet I know that what I ultimately want is God's will for my life, so I will accept whatever that is, and welcome it knowing that it will give us an opportunity to bring greater glory to Him. Last May we were called to surrender our daughter into His hands, and what could ever be harder than that? And yet one thing I am learning is that it's not only Eliana I'm called to surrender, all of my children and all of my loved ones are equally His. He wants me to place each of them in His loving arms, and trust Him to care for them, and to work out His plan for their lives.

The idea of my son suffering breaks my heart. There is nothing I want more than to see him born healthy and strong. Yet, I think of Jesus in the garden praying "My Father, if it is possible, let this cup pass from Me; yet not as I will, but as You will." Think of the depth of love the Father had for His only begotten Son Jesus, beyond human understanding. Yet He knew there was no other way for mankind to be saved but through the suffering of His Son. Despite Jesus' prayer to be spared from betrayal, suffering, and death, He still longed for His Father's will above all else, and look at the outcome of the Father's will. Jesus suffered a matchless agony on the cross, but to bring about the most beautiful miracle ever to take place--the salvation of our souls! The penalty of sin paid in full for all who receive Him, and with His blood we gained the right to be called sons and daughter of God! If Jesus had never suffered, we could never be saved.

Of course any human suffering will never equal that of Jesus, and any positive outcome will never equal the magnitude of the salvation of mankind, but what a glorious example of what it means to yield to the Father's will. And what a picture of how far-reaching, good, and infinitely loving our Father's will is!

And so as the days passed my heart was filled with unspeakable peace about our little boy. Not peace that we are guaranteed he will be free from suffering, but peace about who our God is. He loves our son so deeply, He knows His days and ours before we are even born, He has all of our lives mapped out in detail, and plans to carry us through any trial we might face. I trust that any trial He allows in our lives has passed first through His loving hands, and He WILL take care of our baby, He WILL carry us, and He WILL use all things for good. So I can confidently pray "Lord if it is possible, let this cup of suffering pass from my child and our family, and bring him into this world perfectly healthy with no illness, but not my will, but yours be done."

I don't pray that lightly and easily, but with tears and a heart that aches to the depths knowing far too well the pain of surrender. But I will step forward with faith, and trust that He will be who He has always been, and He will do all He has promised to do.

We walked into our next OB appointment smiling and laughing and feeling lighter than we had in some time. I was called back for an ultrasound before seeing the Dr., and felt prepared for anything that we might see. What we saw was...incredible.

After two ultrasounds in the last two months showing an abnormal small intestine, the tech typed in "normal bowel" and wrote it at the top of my chart for the first thing the Doctor would see. Everything else looked fabulous, and there was our sweet little monkey moving around and looking as adorable as ever. Of course we were breathing a huge sigh of relief, and praising God. This was our 5th ultrasound for this pregnancy, and the first with only good news!

We discussed things further with the doctor, and when he looked closely at the u/s pictures, he did say it still looked slightly prominent to him, but it does look good enough now that it wouldn't have even been documented had it looked like this to begin with. We're so grateful to rule out the concern of a surgery after birth, and the fact that whatever was showing up seems to have all but disappeared would seem to indicate it was unrelated to CF. The 25% chance he might be born with it remains, but without the bowel issue, I am looking at it as a 75% chance he will be born healthy! It's all in God's hands. Please continue to join us in prayer for a healthy little boy born in June, and that God would continue to strengthen our faith as we await his arrival.

10 Months

Today it has been 10 months since those precious, fleeting moments of holding our daughter in our arms. 10 months since we counted her fingers and toes, and sang songs and prayed over her, since we saw her tiny face and delicate little features. Those moments are forever etched upon my heart, though as time passes they become more hazy in my mind. I want to keep the memories fresh and clear through all of time, but instead they become increasingly faded like an antique photograph.

I want so much to be near to her.

If only I could catch a glimpse of her, running and laughing, so vibrant and so ALIVE! She is so much more than a fading photograph in my mind, more than the silent moments spent in our arms. She is more alive now than any of the days she was here with us.

Until the day we're together again, I will have to cling to my faded memories, and our precious photographs that will never be enough, and the complete assurance that as I'm missing her, she is happier than I can possibly understand, fully complete, without a single unfulfilled longing or regret.

She plays in a world that knows no bounds, exploring the splendor, beauty, and endless wonder of heaven like the care-free little butterfly she is. Someday we will fly together, and it will feel like the years of separation were only a day compared to eternity together in God's presence.

We love you so much, Eliana.

Fly High for Jesus, Little Butterfly!