Yesterday we had an ultrasound for Baby June. The main reason it was scheduled was because of a cyst they had seen on my ovary during a previous scan. It was large enough that if there was no change, a surgery might be recommended to remove it during the second trimester. Since that time, we have been praying that it would go away, and waiting until yesterday's appointment to find out the outcome.
The first thing the technician said after looking around a little bit was "So it was on the left side, right?" This was great to hear, because I immediately knew it must have gotten smaller or completely disappeared. Once she located it, it had gone down to less than 2 cm, from a measurement of 6 cm before. This was great news, and a direct answer to prayer. At this point it will likely continue to disappear altogether during the upcoming months, and even if it remains, it's small enough not to pose a risk.
We had also let her know that we would like to find out the gender if possible, so she started to look for that. It really didn't look very promising at first. The baby was tucked into my hip, and the legs were crossed, completely hiding the view. I thought we were going to walk away in suspense when she turned of the monitors, but seeing that we were disappointed she had me try a different position and checked one more time. Still, Baby June was being elusive, and she said "I'm not getting a good view at all, but if I had to guess, I would say this is a little boy. I wouldn't go out and buy a bunch of clothes and paint the nursery, though, because I could definitely be wrong." Hmmmm...I knew that was going to drive me absolutely crazy not knowing for sure, so I was relieved when she finally got a very good angle, and it was quite obvious that we are indeed going to be the parents of three wild and crazy boys!!
After that we saw the Dr. I expected him to pop in to say everything looks good and send us on our merry way. It didn't go quite as planned. He sat down at the end of the table and flipped through the photos from the ultrasound.
"We did see something on the ultrasound that I want to show you..."
At this point my eyes already started welling up with tears. Whatever he was going to say, I just wasn't prepared to hear there were any issues with our baby.
He went on to say that the baby's small intestine appears more prominent than it normally should. He showed us the photo and explained how they could tell. He assured us that sometimes these things show up on one scan, and the next time it appears normal, but...he also was obligated to tell us that it could be an indicator of cystic fibrosis.
At this point I am just trying to hold it together, because I am so unprepared to face the possibility of him having a potentially fatal disease after losing our daughter so recently. I don't think this Dr. had looked closely enough at our chart to know what had happened with our previous pregnancy. He was very calm about the whole thing, and didn't seem very concerned. He told us we will monitor it closely, and if we see it next time we may need to visit the Dr. upstairs, meaning the specialist.
When I got home I immediately started researching on the internet and discovered that the chances of this ultrasound finding actually indicating cystic fibrosis are very slim. There is a very good chance that everything is still just fine with our little boy. Still, it is hard to swallow because percentages haven't exactly been on my side lately, and I know all too well that that is certainly not a guarantee that everything will turn out fine. We are hoping and praying that it will, and from a medical standpoint it probably will. I am asking you to pray along with us that whatever is showing up on the scan will resolve itself, and our little guy will be as healthy as ever, born crying and wiggling into our waiting arms in June. Also that he won't have a life-threatening illness, but will lead a long and healthy life. If you are willing, please comment and let me know you will be praying with us.
Romans 12:12 Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
The Big Day
Dear Baby June,
Today is the big day we've been waiting for. The day we will get to take another peek at you, and this time, hopefully find out if you are a boy or a girl. I am so excited and nervous! I can't wait to see you wiggling around on the screen. Last time we saw you, you were a tiny little peanut at 8 weeks, and your little heart was blinking away so beautifully. You have grown and changed so much since then, and I can't wait to see you.
I feel you rolling around in there now, and it is so much fun! I'm so thankful to be able to feel your movements so much earlier than I did with your brothers and sister. It makes it seem so much more real. Of course you have been real from the start, but feeling your movements just makes it seem a little closer to the day I will hold you.
I have to admit, I have been a little scared to write about you, to dream about you, and to hope. The thought of losing you is so scary, and somehow the more attached I feel, the more real that possibility of loss seems, and of course the more painful the thought of loss becomes.
There was a time early on when I was just gripped with so much fear, it was almost paralyzing. I found it difficult to trust God with you life, and to place you in His hands. I just wanted to hold onto you with a grip so tight my knuckles would turn white, and even God couldn't loosen the hold I had on you. But the truth is, it just doesn't work that way. No matter how much I might like to think I'm in control, I have learned through many life lessons, that just isn't the case. You are His, you are His, you are His. And it is in that knowledge that I must rest. Knowing that as your creator He loves you so deeply, knows you so intimately, already. He has you in the palm of His hand with a great plan for your life already mapped out before you. Only He knows the hours, the days, or the years. Lord, please let it be years!! A lifetime full of them. Today, I am anxiously waiting to find out your gender, while He already knows your entire future. When I think of it in those terms, there is a freedom in relinquishing the control I never had to begin with, and surrendering it to Him.
I know I am certainly not guaranteed a free pass, but I am trusting in the promises that God is good, that He will work all things for good in my life, and that He loves me with an everlasting love. If that somehow meant another loss, I'm not sure I would know how to interpret that, but I do know I would still cling to those promises. Knowing His deep love for you and for me allows me to place you in His arms, trusting that He will give you right back to me. With your sister, it will not be until heaven, but with you, I hope and fervently pray He will give you to me in the here and now. I want so much to hear you cry, look in your eyes, feed you, hold you, tell you I love you, and watch you grow. I want to mother you and raise you all your life, and never have to see the end of your days.
Soon we will find out if God has chosen a son or a daughter for us. I can't wait to find out more about you, but all I know in this moment is, I love you today, so much little one. I love you for who you are and who you will become, and I can't wait to see your little life unfold.
Forever loving you,
Mommy
Jeremiah 31:3-4
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt...Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful."
Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Psalm 139:13-16
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."
Today is the big day we've been waiting for. The day we will get to take another peek at you, and this time, hopefully find out if you are a boy or a girl. I am so excited and nervous! I can't wait to see you wiggling around on the screen. Last time we saw you, you were a tiny little peanut at 8 weeks, and your little heart was blinking away so beautifully. You have grown and changed so much since then, and I can't wait to see you.
I feel you rolling around in there now, and it is so much fun! I'm so thankful to be able to feel your movements so much earlier than I did with your brothers and sister. It makes it seem so much more real. Of course you have been real from the start, but feeling your movements just makes it seem a little closer to the day I will hold you.
I have to admit, I have been a little scared to write about you, to dream about you, and to hope. The thought of losing you is so scary, and somehow the more attached I feel, the more real that possibility of loss seems, and of course the more painful the thought of loss becomes.
There was a time early on when I was just gripped with so much fear, it was almost paralyzing. I found it difficult to trust God with you life, and to place you in His hands. I just wanted to hold onto you with a grip so tight my knuckles would turn white, and even God couldn't loosen the hold I had on you. But the truth is, it just doesn't work that way. No matter how much I might like to think I'm in control, I have learned through many life lessons, that just isn't the case. You are His, you are His, you are His. And it is in that knowledge that I must rest. Knowing that as your creator He loves you so deeply, knows you so intimately, already. He has you in the palm of His hand with a great plan for your life already mapped out before you. Only He knows the hours, the days, or the years. Lord, please let it be years!! A lifetime full of them. Today, I am anxiously waiting to find out your gender, while He already knows your entire future. When I think of it in those terms, there is a freedom in relinquishing the control I never had to begin with, and surrendering it to Him.
I know I am certainly not guaranteed a free pass, but I am trusting in the promises that God is good, that He will work all things for good in my life, and that He loves me with an everlasting love. If that somehow meant another loss, I'm not sure I would know how to interpret that, but I do know I would still cling to those promises. Knowing His deep love for you and for me allows me to place you in His arms, trusting that He will give you right back to me. With your sister, it will not be until heaven, but with you, I hope and fervently pray He will give you to me in the here and now. I want so much to hear you cry, look in your eyes, feed you, hold you, tell you I love you, and watch you grow. I want to mother you and raise you all your life, and never have to see the end of your days.
Soon we will find out if God has chosen a son or a daughter for us. I can't wait to find out more about you, but all I know in this moment is, I love you today, so much little one. I love you for who you are and who you will become, and I can't wait to see your little life unfold.
Forever loving you,
Mommy
Jeremiah 31:3-4
"I have loved you with an everlasting love; I have drawn you with loving-kindness.
I will build you up again and you will be rebuilt...Again you will take up your tambourines and go out to dance with the joyful."
Romans 8:28
"And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Psalm 139:13-16
"For you created my inmost being; you knit me together in my mother's womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made;
your works are wonderful, I know that full well.
My frame was not hidden from you when I was made in the secret place.
When I was woven together in the depths of the earth,
your eyes saw my unformed body.
All the days ordained for me were written in your book
before one of them came to be."
Sunday, January 10, 2010
Waiting with Hope
So, I am finally back in blogland, after surviving the holidays, bouts of illness with me and each of the boys, and lots of time at my Mom's without an internet connection. I can honestly say, having our first Christmas and New Year's since losing Eliana behind us feels like I've made it over a huge hurdle. Breathing is coming a little easier now, and I am thankful for that.
Each of our Christmas celebrations went very well. I continue to be so amazed and thankful at God's grace shown through the eyes of my two little boys. They are so full of excitement, delight, and ENERGY, that I can't help but feel their joy. Our family celebration at home the night before Christmas Eve was great. They were so excited about their new trains and train table it was hard to get them away from it to look in their stockings or open their other presents! My oldest son gave me a beautiful silver butterfly necklace with little diamonds on it. He said he picked it out himself, and "doesn't it make you think of Eliana, Mommy?" It was so sweet of him to be thinking of her at Christmas like I was. Of course, he didn't count the stones or think of their significance, but there are five-one for each of my babies, two in heaven, two with me every day, and one in the womb. It's perfect.
Christmas Eve we drove to my hometown to go to church and celebrate at my Grandma's house with all the relatives. Again at church, my children were such a distraction I didn't have a chance to get into an emotional frame of mind like I might have. They were good for about the first half, but after a while I was focusing more on keeping them quiet than thinking about how I was feeling. I had brought some little toys for my 2 year old to play with, and pretty soon his 4 year old cousin wanted to play with them, and then my five year old, so they were all fighting! Still, it was a beautiful service, and I was able to worship amidst the chaos while being thankful for God's gift of His son, and His gift of my son's, daughter, and baby June.
We visited with aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins that night and had our gift exchange. It was so fun to watch the little kids get up front to sing Christmas carols before opening presents!
Christmas morning we opened gifts with my Mom and sisters at Mom's house. She gave me a little ornament in memory of Eliana, and again it touched my heart that she was remembered. Overall, things went very well and we had such a good time with our children and niece and nephew.
Somehow, it was New Year's that was bothering me more than Christmas. Maybe because there was so much anticipation of Christmas, and I was more prepared to focus on the boys and the reasons to be joyful. New Year's just sort of crept up on me unnoticed. I felt a heavy weight on my soul with each passing thought of the new year. I think because, as difficult as 2009 was, it was Eliana's year. I found out I was pregnant in December of '08, but it was in '09 that I carried her for most of the pregnancy, and it is the only year I will ever hold her in my arms on this earth. To say good bye to 2009 feels like our separation is becoming greater and greater, and somewhere inside of me I'm afraid that she will be forgotten. I know, of course, that I will never forget, but by moving ahead in time I feel others will forget, and expect me to move on and "get on with my life." I guess a part of me felt like staying in 2009 kept me closer to her, and moving on was leaving her behind.
We celebrated New Year's Eve at my husband's parents', spent the night, and had Christmas with them on New Year's Day. As we sat in the living room waiting for midnight New Year's Eve, my sister-in-law pointed out the little snowman ornaments she had gotten her parents. Each one had the name of one of the grandchildren-6 little grandsons, two born this year who would have been Eliana's playmates. But there was no little snowman for Eliana. Soon the ball dropped and we kissed, and toasted the New Year. I sat on the couch while everyone talked and laughed trying so hard not to cry in front of everyone.
We went to bed and that night ended in tears. Tears that she wasn't there to roll around on the floor with her little cousin James, just her age. Tears that I had to start a new year without her. Tears that her name was missing among all her cousins, and I wished she had been remembered. I was just missing her so much that night, wishing I could go backward instead of moving ahead. Back to that elusive happiness before her life was cut short, that time when life seemed too good to be true, and somehow, it was...
But God is so good, because somehow on that first morning of 2010, I woke up with Hope. I woke up thinking of Baby June, and how this was his/her year,(hopefully the first of many!) and knowing that God was with me. I know He will continue to carry me through this year as He did the one before, and as He has all the years of my life. This Bible passage came into my mind that morning, and has continued to echo in my heart during the following days.
Lamentations 3:21-26
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
And so I quietly wait. I wait for Him to continue the healing of my heart, I wait for the safe arrival of my Baby June, Hope personified, and I ultimately wait for the day of salvation, when I will be in heaven with Jesus, and will be reunited with my daughter. Until then, I move forward with Hope, and I wait.
Each of our Christmas celebrations went very well. I continue to be so amazed and thankful at God's grace shown through the eyes of my two little boys. They are so full of excitement, delight, and ENERGY, that I can't help but feel their joy. Our family celebration at home the night before Christmas Eve was great. They were so excited about their new trains and train table it was hard to get them away from it to look in their stockings or open their other presents! My oldest son gave me a beautiful silver butterfly necklace with little diamonds on it. He said he picked it out himself, and "doesn't it make you think of Eliana, Mommy?" It was so sweet of him to be thinking of her at Christmas like I was. Of course, he didn't count the stones or think of their significance, but there are five-one for each of my babies, two in heaven, two with me every day, and one in the womb. It's perfect.
Christmas Eve we drove to my hometown to go to church and celebrate at my Grandma's house with all the relatives. Again at church, my children were such a distraction I didn't have a chance to get into an emotional frame of mind like I might have. They were good for about the first half, but after a while I was focusing more on keeping them quiet than thinking about how I was feeling. I had brought some little toys for my 2 year old to play with, and pretty soon his 4 year old cousin wanted to play with them, and then my five year old, so they were all fighting! Still, it was a beautiful service, and I was able to worship amidst the chaos while being thankful for God's gift of His son, and His gift of my son's, daughter, and baby June.
We visited with aunts, uncles, grandparents, and cousins that night and had our gift exchange. It was so fun to watch the little kids get up front to sing Christmas carols before opening presents!
Christmas morning we opened gifts with my Mom and sisters at Mom's house. She gave me a little ornament in memory of Eliana, and again it touched my heart that she was remembered. Overall, things went very well and we had such a good time with our children and niece and nephew.
Somehow, it was New Year's that was bothering me more than Christmas. Maybe because there was so much anticipation of Christmas, and I was more prepared to focus on the boys and the reasons to be joyful. New Year's just sort of crept up on me unnoticed. I felt a heavy weight on my soul with each passing thought of the new year. I think because, as difficult as 2009 was, it was Eliana's year. I found out I was pregnant in December of '08, but it was in '09 that I carried her for most of the pregnancy, and it is the only year I will ever hold her in my arms on this earth. To say good bye to 2009 feels like our separation is becoming greater and greater, and somewhere inside of me I'm afraid that she will be forgotten. I know, of course, that I will never forget, but by moving ahead in time I feel others will forget, and expect me to move on and "get on with my life." I guess a part of me felt like staying in 2009 kept me closer to her, and moving on was leaving her behind.
We celebrated New Year's Eve at my husband's parents', spent the night, and had Christmas with them on New Year's Day. As we sat in the living room waiting for midnight New Year's Eve, my sister-in-law pointed out the little snowman ornaments she had gotten her parents. Each one had the name of one of the grandchildren-6 little grandsons, two born this year who would have been Eliana's playmates. But there was no little snowman for Eliana. Soon the ball dropped and we kissed, and toasted the New Year. I sat on the couch while everyone talked and laughed trying so hard not to cry in front of everyone.
We went to bed and that night ended in tears. Tears that she wasn't there to roll around on the floor with her little cousin James, just her age. Tears that I had to start a new year without her. Tears that her name was missing among all her cousins, and I wished she had been remembered. I was just missing her so much that night, wishing I could go backward instead of moving ahead. Back to that elusive happiness before her life was cut short, that time when life seemed too good to be true, and somehow, it was...
But God is so good, because somehow on that first morning of 2010, I woke up with Hope. I woke up thinking of Baby June, and how this was his/her year,(hopefully the first of many!) and knowing that God was with me. I know He will continue to carry me through this year as He did the one before, and as He has all the years of my life. This Bible passage came into my mind that morning, and has continued to echo in my heart during the following days.
Lamentations 3:21-26
Yet this I call to mind and therefore I have hope:
Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed,
for his compassions never fail.
They are new every morning;
great is your faithfulness.
I say to myself, "The LORD is my portion;
therefore I will wait for him."
The LORD is good to those whose hope is in him,
to the one who seeks him;
it is good to wait quietly
for the salvation of the LORD.
And so I quietly wait. I wait for Him to continue the healing of my heart, I wait for the safe arrival of my Baby June, Hope personified, and I ultimately wait for the day of salvation, when I will be in heaven with Jesus, and will be reunited with my daughter. Until then, I move forward with Hope, and I wait.
Thursday, December 24, 2009
Merry Christmas
The angel said to the shepherds
"Do not be afraid; for behold, I bring you good news of great joy which will be for all the people; for today in the city of David there has been born for you a Savior, who is Christ the Lord..." and suddenly there appeared with the angel a multitude of the heavenly host praising God and saying "Glory to God in the highest, and on earth peace among men with whom He is pleased."
Luke 2:11-14
Wednesday, December 23, 2009
Tonight
I knew this was coming soon, and now the day is here. Tonight in just a little while we will be opening Christmas presents as a family. We were going to wait until tomorrow morning, but the weather is getting bad, so we need to leave to travel to my mom's as soon as we get a window of clear weather tomorrow. Last year we started the tradition of opening our own presents with just our family at home before going to our parents' houses. This way, we get to enjoy our Christmas together, and the boys get a chance to play with their gifts from us a little bit before leaving town.
I am excited to see the boys' faces light up when they walk into the living room and see their new train table and Thomas things and their little keyboards, and then open up the presents we have wrapped for them. But, I know in my heart I will be missing my little Eliana so much, I hope it won't show on my face when I smile back at those two precious boys. I wish I could see her face light up just like her brothers', as she experiences all of it for the very first time, all wide-eyed with wonder. How different and how wonderful it would all be if she was here with us. There will be joy in our house this year, because of the gift of God's son Jesus coming into the world, and the gift of our own two sons, but there will be a deep sadness as well, because each year there will always be someone missing.
We only filled two stockings. There should have been three.
I wrapped presents for three of the people I love most in the world, my husband, and my two boys, but what about my little girl?
Two little Christmas out-fits are neatly laid out on the couch ready to be worn by my children to the Christmas Eve service tomorrow night. There should be a little green velvet dress and burgundy shoes with bows sitting right next to the boys' snowman vests and corduroys, but the dress is still in the back of a closet. She will never wear it.
Nothing is quite the way it should be, nor will it ever be.
And yet, there is hope.
Hope found in another baby, the one who came 2000 years ago, born in a stable though He was God Himself. Hope because God made a way for us to be with Eliana again someday. Because He sent His son Jesus into this world to die on the cross for our sin, all we need to do is believe in Him, and accept Him as our Savior. Then, there is nothing that can break that promise, or steal that blessed hope, that we will all be together in heaven, celebrating through all eternity. That is why we can still celebrate tonight.
And though things aren't as they should be now, we are promised in Revelation 21:3-5 that we will not remain in this unfulfilled state forever. Speaking of the future, John writes:
“Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!”
And that is why when the stockings are empty and the presents are unwrapped, there will be one more box left under our tree; a little package to be opened last. Inside? A little porcelein baby wrapped in swaddling clothes and laying in a manger. Jesus is our greatest gift this Christmas. He is where our hope lies, in placing our faith in Him today, for a future with Him when everything will finally, once and for all be set right.
Merry Christmas, sweet little baby Elli! We wish immensely that you could be in our arms tonight, right in the center of it all, but we are so glad we know with complete assurance that you are with Jesus tonight. I know you are so happy, and so full of awe and wonder at all those beautiful heavenly sights. There you don't even need Christmas lights because the whole place is filled with the light of Jesus, and the angel choirs are singing the most beautiful Christmas hymns there could ever be. I can't wait to see and hear it all with you when the time is right. I love you so much, princess! Can you see the little Christmas tree we made just for you? You are in my heart each moment.
Love,
Mommy
Here is Eliana's tree. We have added lights and a garland, and changed it some since this picture I took right after the boys helped me put some ornaments on.
I am excited to see the boys' faces light up when they walk into the living room and see their new train table and Thomas things and their little keyboards, and then open up the presents we have wrapped for them. But, I know in my heart I will be missing my little Eliana so much, I hope it won't show on my face when I smile back at those two precious boys. I wish I could see her face light up just like her brothers', as she experiences all of it for the very first time, all wide-eyed with wonder. How different and how wonderful it would all be if she was here with us. There will be joy in our house this year, because of the gift of God's son Jesus coming into the world, and the gift of our own two sons, but there will be a deep sadness as well, because each year there will always be someone missing.
We only filled two stockings. There should have been three.
I wrapped presents for three of the people I love most in the world, my husband, and my two boys, but what about my little girl?
Two little Christmas out-fits are neatly laid out on the couch ready to be worn by my children to the Christmas Eve service tomorrow night. There should be a little green velvet dress and burgundy shoes with bows sitting right next to the boys' snowman vests and corduroys, but the dress is still in the back of a closet. She will never wear it.
Nothing is quite the way it should be, nor will it ever be.
And yet, there is hope.
Hope found in another baby, the one who came 2000 years ago, born in a stable though He was God Himself. Hope because God made a way for us to be with Eliana again someday. Because He sent His son Jesus into this world to die on the cross for our sin, all we need to do is believe in Him, and accept Him as our Savior. Then, there is nothing that can break that promise, or steal that blessed hope, that we will all be together in heaven, celebrating through all eternity. That is why we can still celebrate tonight.
And though things aren't as they should be now, we are promised in Revelation 21:3-5 that we will not remain in this unfulfilled state forever. Speaking of the future, John writes:
“Look, God’s home is now among his people! He will live with them, and they will be his people. God himself will be with them. He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever.”
And the one sitting on the throne said, “Look, I am making everything new!”
And that is why when the stockings are empty and the presents are unwrapped, there will be one more box left under our tree; a little package to be opened last. Inside? A little porcelein baby wrapped in swaddling clothes and laying in a manger. Jesus is our greatest gift this Christmas. He is where our hope lies, in placing our faith in Him today, for a future with Him when everything will finally, once and for all be set right.
Merry Christmas, sweet little baby Elli! We wish immensely that you could be in our arms tonight, right in the center of it all, but we are so glad we know with complete assurance that you are with Jesus tonight. I know you are so happy, and so full of awe and wonder at all those beautiful heavenly sights. There you don't even need Christmas lights because the whole place is filled with the light of Jesus, and the angel choirs are singing the most beautiful Christmas hymns there could ever be. I can't wait to see and hear it all with you when the time is right. I love you so much, princess! Can you see the little Christmas tree we made just for you? You are in my heart each moment.
Love,
Mommy
Here is Eliana's tree. We have added lights and a garland, and changed it some since this picture I took right after the boys helped me put some ornaments on.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
7 Months
Happy 7 months in heaven, sweet little Eliana! We are missing you so much as Christmas draws nearer and nearer, and we are remembering you and loving you so much every day!
Over the last two days we have had a big snowstorm, so now your little garden dancer is dancing in the snow! I would so love to be able to spend this Christmas with you, but I feel so much peace when I think of how happy you will be celebrating with Jesus this year. I can't wait till one day when we will be together again. Until then, know that we love you so much, and you will always be our little girl.
Monday, December 7, 2009
Remembering at Christmas
If you are missing someone you love this Christmas, someone of ANY age who is spending Christmas with Jesus this year, I hope you will join us on this very special Walking With You. We are sharing our Christmas memories and the ways that we remember our loved ones who have gone home to heaven at Christmas time. If you do not have a blog or do not wish to link a post, you may leave your Christmas memories in the comments below. If you do a post on your blog, come back and link up on the MckLinky following this post on Kelly's blog, and you can also enter her give-away.
This year is our first Christmas to remember our daughter Eliana. Last Christmas we were excited to announce our pregnancy with her to all our family members. It was especially exciting when my husband's sister announced her pregnancy too. Our due-dates were just a week apart. Here we are at Christmas last year, so happy to be expecting our third child.
This year we thought we would be bringing our beautiful baby girl to all our Christmas gatherings, letting all our loved ones spend time with her. She would be all decked out in that pretty green velvet Christmas dress my Grandma still has hanging in the back of her closet, and we would allow her to be passed around from one set of loving arms to the next until she couldn't take it anymore and we had to rescue her. There would be lots of presents under the tree with her name on them, and a pretty pink stocking we would fill with little baby toys.
Instead, this year I am thinking of ways to honor her life, and trying to remember that as much as I want her in my arms this Christmas, she is so much better off in the arms of Jesus. Instead of wrapping up presents with her name on them, we picked out some toys we might have chosen for her if she was here to enjoy them to donate to a mission project at church, along with Candy Land that my son picked out. We will plan to do this each Christmas in her honor.
I've also been working on making Christmas ornaments for other families who have lost a baby. Please let me know if you would like one of these. I am still planning to make more before Christmas. You can e-mail me at butterflyelli@yahoo.com, include your address, your child's name and gender, and year of their first Christmas in heaven, and I would love to send one to you.
Usually, each year I take off what I have on top of the entertainment center and set up a Christmas display. This year, I am going to leave it as it is, with Eliana's momentos, and I have just added two Baby's First Christmas rattles that each of our children have played with as babies.
I am planning to decorate a small tree for Eliana this year, with ornaments I have collected over the years since I was a little girl, and some butterflies and other things I have purchased specifically for her. I'm just waiting until my mom can bring the little tree I will be borrowing, so I'll have to post a picture of that later.
Finally, yesterday I purchased some Christmas flowers for Eliana's grave. I went to Wal-Mart, and was pretty disappointed in the selection, but ended up with some red and white flowers that would work. I still want to get one more red one to put in if I can find more at a different Wal-Mart. As I stood out in the cold putting them into the vase, I found myself obsessively trying to get them in there just right, and being continually disappointed with how it was turning out. Then I realized, it's not the flowers I am disappointed with, it's the whole act of celebrating my daughter's Christmas by decorating her grave. This is not the Christmas I had envisioned for her, or for our family. I want to be taking care of her this year, and so I do, in each small way that I can.
The gravestone in the picture is actually my Dad's. Eliana is buried in the same plot, and we haven't been able to purchase her stone yet. The plaque stuck in the ground next to it is her temporary marker that is faded now so you can't read it anymore. We're trying to save up money and hope to have her marker in place before her one year birthday in heaven.
Even as I write these things, and think of how much I miss my daughter, I am continually reminded of the joy she will be experiencing this Christmas in heaven. Joy that is greater than I can imagine, and greater than the very best things I could ever give her here on earth. If I could have one wish-to celebrate Christmas with her-I wouldn't ask to bring her back to be with us, I would ask if our family could please visit her in heaven, for just one day, so she could show us how happy she is, and all the love she is constantly wrapped in.
"Better is One day in your courts than thousands elsewhere." Psalm 84:10
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